Christmas Broken
by messy-haired-marauder
Summary: Lily and James over an eventful Christmas break in their 7th...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I had a lot of studying to do, so I thought I'd have a go at writing Jily fanfiction. If I owned Harry Potter there'd be a prequel and sequel series so… **

**The cover image is by anxiouspineapples on Devian Art. **

**Reviews are better than melted cheese! **

Lily Evans and James Potter had been together for three perfectly blissful months. It was at a fateful party, thrown at Potter Manor to celebrate their newly confirmed roles as heads of the school, when the pressure had become too much and the dam had finally burst, letting loose a torrent of built up emotions that neither of them could deny anymore.

It felt so natural, being together, that Lily found it hard to imagine that they had been apart for so long. When they held each other, or kissed, or he gave her a smile from across the room, the ever present worry about the war seemed to melt away, just a little bit.

That is, until a frantic Sirius appeared on Lily's doorstep in the dead of night a few days into the Christmas holidays.

"It's James," he squeezed out, blood trickling down from a wound on his right temple. His breathing was ragged, his usually olive skin pale. The look in his eyes had Lily grabbing her coat and running with him out into the night without waiting for an explanation.

They apparated to St. Mungo's once they reached the end of the street and were met by Mrs. Potter who looked as dishevelled as Sirius.

"We were coming home when they ambushed us," Sirius began when they slowed down, conversation having been impossible in their hectic dash to reach the hospital.

"The great sod heard them coming and stunned me into the bushes. He took the brunt of the attack. By the time the spell wore off, he was already- already- I tried Lily! I tried-" he broke off, dissolving into sobs against Mrs. Potter's shoulder.

Seeing Sirius in such a state broke something in Lily. He was always calm, always on top of the situation, too cool to be affected by such petty troubles. If Sirius had lost it, this was serious.

"Where's James? Who hurt him? Are there no bloody doctors in this sodding hospital?" She all but screamed, her breath beginning to quicken.

A fresh faced nurse tapped Lily on the shoulder, and she spun around on unsteady legs.

"I need to see him!" she ordered, panic overcoming her now, and the nurse nodded.

She lead Lily down a dim hallway that seemed separate from the mad bustling of the main hospital.

"It's looks worse than it is," the nurse promised as they stopped outside one of the unremarkable doors that lined the hallway. "He's going to be alright."

She pushed open the door and Lily drew in a sharp breath. The world seemed to sway as she surveyed James, lying bruised and broken in a little hospital bed. His charismatic face was swollen and purple. A bandage adorned his head, masking the silken raven's nest that Lily's fingers had become so well acquainted with.

Lily found that she couldn't breathe. Her vision blurred and her eyes prickled as uncontrollable tears began to form.

She stepped slowly into the room, where Mr. Potter was idling, looking lost. Lily stood next to him at the foot of the bed as James continued to breathe peacefully.

"It was those bloody death eaters," he growled, and cold realisation settled over Lily.

Mr. Potter gave his son a pained look, and stormed out of the room, murder boiling under his skin.

Lily watched him go, then moved tentatively forward, sitting down on the bed and taking James' hand. The burning sensation became too much, and the tears began to fall. Her shoulders heaved as she clutched his hand desperately.

"Lily?" came his voice, small and thick with sleep.

"I'm here love. I'm here," she choked out, reaching out to caress his cheek, he leaned into her touch.

"What happened?" he asked, still groggy.

"They hurt you. They hurt you, and it's all my fault!" she sobbed, hiding her face on her hands.

"How was-"

"I can't do it James! I can't do it! I love you too much! I can't let you make yourself a target for them because of me!" Lily continued, refusing to look at him.

"Lily, what are you saying?"

James said, panic in his voice. He tried to sit up, reaching for her, but the injuries stopped him she remained out of reach.

"We can't be together James," Lily whispered, turning to face him. "Don't you see that this will just keep happening if you're dating a- a mudblood like me?" she broke eye contact again, "I won't see this happen to you again! You're safer if we're apart. I need you to be safer."

"Lily! Lily please! No!" James cried with wide hazel eyes.

She leant down and kissed him, breathing a final "I love you" as she broke away.

Lily got up and turned her back on him, steeling herself, and left the room. His pleas for her to stay haunted her as she rushed out of the hospital, only slowing down when she saw his family.

"Keep me updated on him, yeah?" she said to Sirius.

"I'm so sorry," she told them and rushed out of the hospital, three confused faces tracking her progress. She felt numb.

When she finally reached the sanctuary of her bedroom she collapsed onto her bed and cried.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I worked on the dialogue again. Sorry. Please don't hate me, I just want to make it as good as I can!**

The next week or so passed in a grey melancholy in both the Potter and Evans households. James was released from St. Mungo's three days after admission. The physical pain may have eased somewhat, but he still ached from Lily's decision. He felt wronged and done in, heart broken and uninspired, and burningly angry, although whether it was at her or their situation he couldn't tell. Her laughter and bottle green eyes assaulted him in his sleep. He longed to feel her fingers running through his hair. He longed to hold her and talk for hours on end, both of them completely content.

Lily was quiet and pensive. She felt small and hurt, although she had been the one to cause the pain. All she could think about was James, and she hated herself for it. The constant temptation to take the words back, and the guilt that they caused her were threatening to become unbearable. Oh, how she missed him. His warm comforting presence, the way he always held her like it was the last time he ever would, his jokes, his sarcasm, everything about him.

They both felt utterly, wretchedly lost.

A week went by in this manner, and soon it was Christmas Eve. James was obliged to spend the evening at his mothers annual Christmas shindig. He was planning to spend the evening getting drunk with Sirius.

Lily was expecting a quiet evening at home with her parents and Petunia.

It was around six when she and Petunia returned home from some last minute Christmas shopping. They opened the door, expecting to see a cheery fire, and dinner on the table.

The room was covered in red, but not from Christmas decorations. Blood was spattered across the creamy wallpaper.

The sofa was an unrecognisable mess, and sprawled on it were Mr. And Mrs. Evans.

Lily rushed forward as Petunia screamed.

She grabbed her father by the collar, desperate to feel a pulse.

"No," she whispered, upon feeling nothing.

"No! Daddy! Mummy! No!" Lily cried, her voice rising as realisation struck. She clutched them to her, shaking them, desperate to see their blood smearing against her skin as she sobbed.

"Tunie?" she cried after a while. Her sister still stood frozen at the door, hand covering her mouth.

"I- I need to call the police! And Vernon! I need Vernon." Petunia muttered more to herself than to Lily, and slipped out of the room. Lily could feel herself shaking. She wanted to leave, needed to leave, but somehow she couldn't abandon them.

The Police arrived soon after and their sitting room was transferred into a crime scene straight out of the crappy cop shows her mum used to love. Vernon showed up too, and whisked Petunia away after they questioned her. It all seemed a blur to Lily.

She found herself alone in their creaking house. The world seemed faded at the edges. Her head felt heavy as she tried to process what had just happened - her parents were gone, murdered in their own home; their bodies cut up and on the way to the morgue. Without making a conscious decision, she grabbed her wand and apparated to the only place that made sense.

James, meanwhile, was hiding away in a corner of their done up mansion. The sounds from the party in the ballroom drifted to him through the cold winter air. He absentmindedly tugged at the collar of his pristine dress shirt, and yet again resented his mother for insisting that he wears it.

He downed his firewhiskey and refused to acknowledge the startling resemblance it shared with her hair. He contemplated getting another, but that would mean reentering the throbbing masses, and the compulsory greeting rounds at the start had been more than enough.

His head whipped around as he heard the doorbell ring. Sure that the house elves would be too busy with the party and the influx of pretentious pure bloods, he reluctantly stood up and made his way to the towering front door.

He nearly dropped his tumbler as he took in the sight before him. There stood Lily, her lashes dark and wet from tears and her delicate hands smeared in blood. As soon as the door was open she threw herself into his arms, and clung to him as she cried.

"Lily? What happened? Are you hurt?" He exclaimed as his arms encircled her of their own accord. She shook her head against his chest and sobbed harder.

Somewhat flabbergasted, he pulled her tighter against him. Despite the millions of questions and concern flooding through his brain, he couldn't help but note how good it felt to hold her again. She sunk onto the floor, pulling him down with her and continued to sob against him, staining his shirt with blood and tears. He held her close and stroked her hair with one hand.

She calmed down after a while, but he wasn't letting go.

"Oh god!" Lily exclaimed, scrambling to get up from the floor. "I'm so sorry! For- for barging in like this, a-after what happened. I just, my parents-" she clamped a hand against her mouth and began to cry again and James jumped up to gather her in his arms again.

"Shhhhh. It's okay," He said soothingly with his face pressed into her hair.

"I- I just really needed you," she stammered, succumbing to his embrace. They stayed like that for what felt like hours.

"Let's get you cleaned up, alright?" James suggested when he noticed how cold she was. He kissed her forehead. She nodded and took his hand as he lead them upstairs.

He deposited her in one of Potter Manor's many luxurious bathrooms and hurried to grab her a towel and a pair of his mothers flannel pyjamas.

Lily eagerly got into the shower. She scrubbed ferociously at the blood that encrusted her, suddenly desperate to get it off, and watched it drain away with the water.

She stepped out of the steaming water and dried herself off with the towel James had left for her. The pyjamas were a bit too big around the waist. She left the bathroom and entered the hallway and looked around. She called his name in a small voice which would have horrified her in any other situation.

"In here, " came his reply from a room further down. Her feet padded against the soft carpet as she made her way towards the open door of what turned out to be his bedroom.

James was sat in a comfortable looking armchair, and had changed out of the smart dress robes she had half noticed him wearing before. Now he was sporting a pair of pyjama pants and a cozy looking sweater.

Lily wordlessly sat down on his bed, facing him. She stared at the floor with haunted eyes.

"Lily?"

She looked up and met his eyes.

"They got my parents," she croaked. "Tunie and I were just out shopping and… we came home and we found them like that," she told him, seemingly in a daze. "We opened the door and everything was covered with their blood and I can't stop seeing it!" She covered her eyes with her hands, trying to block the images.

"You found them? Oh Lily!"James interrupted, rushing to the bed and yanking her into his arms. She barely reacted. "Where are they now?"

"In some morgue," she sputtered out.

"They're dead?" James hadn't realised the extent of the attack.

Lily gasped at the words- they felt tangible somehow, like projectiles that had been fired at her. "They're dead… they're dead… they're dead." Lily muttered hysterically, her words interjected with gasps as a panic attack overwhelmed her, and tears painted her cheeks. Hearing someone else say it made it more real. She began to feel faint, but her lungs didn't seem to want to fill.

"Lily. Take a deep breath," he interrupted, holding her face between his hands and forcing her to look him in the eye. "In. Out. In Out. You're staying here tonight, all right? You're staying here tonight with me, and we'll make it okay," he promised, letting go of her face and beginning to rub her back as her breathing began to return to normal. "Deep breath. You'll be okay."

She sniffed and nodded, leaning her head on his shoulder. His arm came up around her and pulled her closer. He was wonderfully warm. They sunk down and lay on his bed, her head resting in the crook of his neck.

"Thank you," Lily said softly, breaking their reverie.

"For what?"

"For still being here, after..."

"I'll always be here for you, and I understand why you did it."

"I hate that I had to."

"You didn't."

"Yes I-"

"Let's not talk about this now. You've just, you know..."

"No! I can't think about them anymore. It's- what do you mean I didn't have to? Did you see yourself in that hospital bed? You were there because of me! Dating me makes you a target!"

"I was a target way before we got together Lily! And I'll keep being one whether or not we're dating because of the side I've picked and the side my parents are on! I don't care _what_ happens to me, as long as you're there afterwards."

"But-"

"Why did you come here Lily?"

"Huh?"

"You could have gone to Dorca's or Marlene's. Why did you come _here_?"

She stared at his hazel eyes, usually so mischievous, debating her answer.

"Because I knew that you would be here," she said honestly, "and I needed you."

"Exactly! Don't you see that I need you too? Once we leave Hogwarts... it won't be easy Lily. I don't want to go through it without you."

"What if you end up like my parents? What if they come after you too?"

"You think it was deatheaters?"

"It's a bit too much of a coincidence that they end up murdered just a few weeks after I decide to join the order after school. They're trying to scare me."

"God."

"I've already lost my parents to the war James. I couldn't live with myself if you died because of me too!"

"Oh, Lily please! I'd be a blood traitor to them whether I was dating you or not."

"That may be true, but being with a muggle born certainly makes you a more obvious choice, doesn't it?"

"Lily-"

"Doesn't it?"

"It does. But I don't care because you are worth it Lily! This past week has been torture! Torture! And I can't stand it! I don't care if I get hurt Lily! Not as long as I know that you will be there afterwards! Besides, knowing that I have the love of my life to live for will make me _more_ cautious, don't you think? So I see where you're coming from Lily, and I'm calling bull shit on-"

"I'm the love of your life?"

Had he said that? He had said that. Why had he said that? 'Because it's the truth' some unwelcome part of his mind imparted upon him.

"Well, I, um... yes?" he blushed fervently.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry, I went too far. I shouldn't have- "

"No, it's not that! It's- I - I'm pretty sure that you're the love of my life too."

He felt rather dazed, as he stared at her with wide eyes.

"I mean, I'm not even sure I believe in soulmates and fate and all that dilly dally, but my then I see you and-"

He grabbed her face and pressed his lips to hers in an all enveloping kiss which tried to convey just how much he missed her; just how bleak his life had been without her.

It took a second, but soon she was reciprocating, pulling him closer, drowning in the sensation of his tongue caressing hers, as a week of longing and heartache was finally expelled.

They pulled apart, and her grass green eyes found his hazel ones. Looking at his face, her hand still resting on his cheek, she felt, for the first time in what felt like years, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"Merlin I missed you," Lily lamented, playing with his hair.

"You have no idea Evans," James replied with a smirk, leaning into her touch. Lily reached up and kissed him again. That smirk always undid her.

They crawled under the covers when James noticed her shivering, and snuggled into each other. James' hand began to draw patterns on her arm, and it all felt very natural.

"Please ignore that rational side of your brilliant little head for once and just give in," James urged her after a few moments of quiet.

"I want to be with you, Merlin I do, but..."

"It's not just your choice you know. I spent so long trying to get you, I'm not gonna let you go without a fight."

"You don't know how much seeing you like that scared me!" she sat up, "It made me realise how important you are to me, and I just needed to protect you! No matter what the cost."

"Past tense. It almost seems as if you've changed your mind."

"James…"

He sat up and kissed her, hoping his actions would be able to convince her where his words couldn't.

She sighed as they lay back down. "Okay," she said almost reluctantly, the battle continuing in her eyes. "But only if you _promise_ to cut that chivalry crap and be careful. If you get hurt..."

"I'll try." He was grinning from ear to ear.

"Potter," she growled.

"All right! I promise; no more chivalrous crap."

"And be careful."

"Only if you are too. You mean just as much to me, you know."-

She smiled against his chest. His bed was very soft, and she was suddenly exhausted. The rise and fall of his chest, and more importantly her proximity to it made her almost forget the events from earlier in the day. Her eyes drifted closed, her eyelids having become far too heavy to keep open.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too," she muttered right before she drifted off to sleep.

James looked at her, her expression finally peaceful.

He hated seeing her hurt. He pulled the covers higher around them and pressed her closer, a wave of protectiveness crashing onto him. The thought of the ones who had caused her pain unleashed a ferocity in him which he hadn't known he possessed. If they ever came near her again...

She'd probably tell him off for such thoughts, as she is "perfectly able to take care of herself", as she had reminded him on many occasions. He knew she was right, but it was bloody hard to remember when her cheek was squished up against his chest, and her open expression made her look so young.

There was still a lot to resolve between them, but for now she was here, and that was more than enough.

He switched off the lights with his wand, which had been lying on the bedside table, and was soon sound asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oi Prongsie! Wake up! It's Christmas!" Came Sirius' slick voice from just outside of his bedroom. The door burst open and in stormed Sirius, a shirtless hurricane on legs, with a gleeful grin on his face.

"James! Wake- Evans?"

"Shut up Pads!" James hissed, looking down at the still sleeping Lily lying by his side. "Can't you see she's still sleeping?"

"In your bed no less. You do have clothes on under there, I hope."

"It wasn't like that!" James exclaimed, perhaps a little too loudly as Lily squirmed next to him.

"James?" Lily asked, her voice child like from sleep. Her long lashes slowly parted and those eyes looked up to his face. He couldn't help but smile.

"Hello." he said through the grin, dropping a quick kiss to her forehead.

"Yes, hello!" Sirius called out, leaping onto the bed next to Lily. He was surprisingly chirpy, considering the undoubtable hangover that was surely raging through his head. "Can't tell you how happy I am to have you back Evans! Bed head over here has been an absolute damper on my holiday spirit! He wouldn't even be my reindeer this year! I had the sleigh set up and everything! Not to mention the Santa suit!"

"Pads…" James said with an exasperated look that seemed to be trying to tell him something.

"What?" Sirius asked, drawing a blank.

"It's okay James."

"What's going on?" Sirius questioned, feeling antsy.

Lily and James shared a conspiratory look.

"Come on my deer, my little flower." he pleaded with a pair of devastating puppy dog eyes.

"You tell him. I don't want to say it again." Lily told James. He nodded and motioned to the door with his head. Sirius, who was beginning to worry, jumped off of the bed.

James followed him reluctantly, holding Lily's hand until he absolutely couldn't reach anymore. Lily lay in bed, trying to make out their muffled conversation.

Sirius came back in with his tail between his legs. He lay down next to Lily and pulled her into a hug.

"I am so sorry Evans." He rumbled. Words alway seemed to fail him at times like these, but his tenderness conveyed all that was needed.

James crawled back in, surprisingly unfazed with seeing his best friend and girlfriend locked in each other's arms on his bed.

Eventually Sirius let go and Lily was squashed comfortably between them. She felt safe and loved, and slightly less daunted. The sun was creeping towards their faces in a lazy wintery sort of way.

"James Potter! Are you still in bed? When there are presents down stairs? How much fire whiskey did you sneak last night?" came Mrs. Potter's voice and the trio froze on the bed. "James?" her black bun peeked around the door frame, followed by a pair of eyes that rapidly widened at the sight before her.

"I understand that Christmas is a time for sharing, but this is a bit too much, don't you think?" They looked at her like a deer in the head lights. "I suppose you have an explanation that will satisfy me enough to not cancel Christmas?" She looked at Lily rather coldly.

"Mum! Helena!" the two boys exclaimed simultaneously.

"I can explain Mrs. Potter," Lily piped up. James and Sirius looked at her in astonishment. "My sister and I got home last night, and my parents -" she took a deep breath, and James shot up, putting a steady hand on her shoulder, "they had been attacked, and-" another pause, "they didn't make it." Lily bit on her lip, trying (and failing) to keep back the tears. "I'm sorry! I know it looks like I'm just toying with James' feelings, but I really didn't know where else to go!" she choked out, tears falling freely down her freckled cheeks, the memories still fresh. She and James leaned into each other instinctively.

Mrs. Potter's face softened. She could see that this girl had no bad intentions.

"Oh dear. I'm ever so sorry! It's difficult times these. Well then, I'd better tell Velda to set an extra place at the table." Helena rambled and briskly left the room. She never was one to show too much sentiment. Rather, she showed affection through her actions.

Lily was full on sobbing again.

"I miss them." she mumbled, her words muffled by James' shirt.

What could he say to that? Don't worry, you'll see them soon? Nope. It will be okay. Will it though? I'm sorry. She must already be sick of hearing that, even if it was sincere.

"I know, love. I wish I could make it better." She nodded against his collarbone and took a deep, shaky breath.

"Breakfast?" Sirius suggested, feeling uncomfortable. Lily nodded and wiggled out from between them.

James and Sirius shared a worried look as she walked out of his bedroom.

They made their way downstairs, sticking close together. Lily followed the boys into a room situated to the right of the staircase. They were greeted by Mr. Potter, already dressed in a crisp brown wizard robe, sporting a cheerful red cravat , dark brown hair neatly parted and smoke spilling out of his pipe as he read the paper by the breakfast table.

"Lily dear! I heard we gained another visitor last night! Happy Christmas!" He got up and gathered her in his lanky arms and enveloped her in a smoke scented hug. "Anything we can do, sweetheart." he muttered into her hair.

"Thank you," she said against his shoulder, then stepped back.

"And happy Christmas to you too," she said. She could see so much of James in him as he repeated the same sentiments to the boys and embraced him. James was there in his all enveloping smile: his absolute confidence and charisma; how eager he was to help; his easy, caring manner.

Mrs. Potter came in, wearing a classy Christmas sweater (Lily was unaware that those existed) and started talking at her family. Lily wasn't listening.

Continuing her precious train of thought, Lily turned her gaze onto his mother. James got his colouring from her- the tanned skin, hazel eyes and jet black hair. But the resemblance didn't end there. There was something in the assertive way she moved, the way she naturally took command of the room.

"Lily?" Helena's voice penetrated her reverie.

"Sorry. Come again?"

"I was asking whether you feel up to our big Christmas dinner or not? The whole Potter clan at one table for three courses. I speak from experience when I say that it can be quite a lot to take in. I understand if you'd rather stay out of it. Or your sister! You might want to spend it with her..."

"I'd quite like to have something to take my mind off of it, and I don't know how welcoming Petunia will be. So, if you don't mind my staying?"

"Not at all. I've already had the elves set up a room. I assume you will be staying here until the start of term?"

"Oh! I didn't mean- I wasn't expecting- I don't mean to impose!"

"Don't be silly. These are difficult times Lily. We'll never triumph if we don't band together. You can stay here for as long as you need."

"Yes of course!" chimed Mr. Potter in his cheerful baritone.

"Thank you."

The two elder Potters nodded in acknowledgement, then took a seat at the highly polished table that seemed to sag under all the rich food. Lily wondered how James and his father were so skinny if this is how they ate all the time.

Lily found that her appetite had left her, and she merely nibbled at some french toast.

"Eat Lils. You didn't even have dinner last night." James urged her, his own plate piled high. He was trying to be cheerful for her sake, but she could see the worry lying just underneath. She felt a rush of affection for the boy in front of her.

"You've go syrup on your chin," she informed him, reaching over to wipe it off with her napkin. He kissed her palm with a cheeky grin, and she smiled. Thank god she had James.

Whilst pouring her second cup of tea, Lily realised that she had no clothes. Or any of her school things. Or a toothbrush. When she voiced this concern, Sirius volunteered to apparate over to her house and pick up what she needed.

"Are you sure?" she asked him.

"Course Evans."

"Well, I suppose I'll need-" she started, and Sirius stared at her with blank eyes, a questioning look on his face. "I'll make a list?"

"Better."

They finished breakfast and went back upstairs. James headed off to have a shower and Lily began on her list.

There seemed to be a cloud hanging over her, distancing her from her surroundings. She felt as though she was experiencing everything second hand. Nothing seemed vivid. Nothing seemed pungent. Everything seemed muted.

James found her staring out the window, seated at the desk in his room. Her red hair fanned out across her back.

"Lils?"

She turned her head and looked at him. Her expression broke his heart.

"You okay?"

She shrugged as she genuinely didn't know, and turned back to the still blank piece of parchment lying in front of her.

"How's the list coming?"

"Fine," she replied in a monotone.

It took staggeringly long, but the logical process was familiar and kept her mind somewhat occupied.

"Done?" James asked when she stood up from the desk.

She nodded.

"Sirius' room is just down the hall. Just follow the smell," he was desperate to see her smile again.

"Thanks," she mumbled and slipped out of the door.

Sirius' room was similar to his corner of the boy's dormitory back at Hogwarts. That is to say strewn with food wrappers, laundry, and questionable magazines with a faint smell of sweat hanging in the air.

'Sirius?"

A pile of what she thought was dirty clothes moved on the bed and his ragged head came into view.

"Hello flower! Have you come to give me my quest?"

"I have a list, yes. Thank you, by the way. I'd go, but…"

"Too soon, I understand. I'm happy to do it."

"Thank you. Just don't touch anything that's not in my room, all right?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and Lily gave a half hearted smile, and headed back to James' room.

Sirius glanced down at the list, grabbed his wand, pictured her wallpapered bedroom, and apparated.

He had soon gathered everything and chucked it into the still open trunk at the foot of her bed (the 'female products' were new for him.). He was about to go home, when he stopped in his tracks. An internal debate ensued.

Curiosity won, and he creaked his way down the narrow staircase. He stopped again at the bottom of the stairs - did he really want to see this?

He made his way towards the living room, remembering their visits from last summer, and felt himself go pale. It was a gruesome sight; the homely living room was covered in yellow tape and brown spatters. He couldn't imagine coming home to find this.

"Poor Lily," he said out loud and hurried back upstairs, feeling distinctly queasy.

He returned to Potter Manor with all of Lily's things, and, after thanking him, she retreated to her room to unpack. Sirius stayed behind in James' room.

"I saw it Prongs," he admitted. "It was bad. Like, really bad. I don't even know what goes through a person's head after something like that."

"I'm worried about her. She's so quiet. Lily's never so withdrawn."

"I reckon we just give her time mate."

"I just hate seeing her like this. She doesn't deserve it."

"Does anyone?"

"The bastards who did this to her come to mind," James growled, the blind heat reawakening all of a sudden.

"James…" Sirius said warningly.

James looked as though he was going to say something else, but bit it back.

'I'm gonna go check on her," James said as he pushed past Sirius.

He found her refolding (of course) and unpacking the clothes from her trunk, placing them in the spare room's dresser. She glanced at him when he entered, and resumed her task.

"Can I help?" James asked from his position on her bed.

"No thank you."

"I'd be happy to…"

"I'm all right."

"Lily-"

"It distracts me, okay?" Lily snapped. "I just need to stop remembering for a moment, and this distracts me."

He thought for a moment.

"Then keep folding."

"I just- it feels like I'm in a nightmare," she began. The jeans evidently not proving to be a sufficient distraction. "You know when everything is so weird and horrible and irrational, that it just can't be true, and eventually you realise that it's a nightmare, but it's so terrible, and you're just lying there, and you can't do anything but wait to wake up? It feels like that. Only I don't know if I'll ever wake up." Lily rushed out in one breath. Tears were running down her cheeks, but she didn't seem to notice. She just stood there, with her back turned to him, an unfolded t-shirt clutched in her hand.

"Oh Lily," he wrapped his arms around her from behind. She leaned into him as he rested his forehead against her head. "I- I know- look I don't know what to say to you. I hate that you feel like that, and I just want to whisk you away to somewhere where you don't have to go through it all. But I can't, so I'm just going to hold you, and hope that you wake up soon and see something better."

She turned around in his arms and nuzzled into his sweater.

"I love you," she told him.

"I love you too."

"And I'm really glad that you're there to hold me."

"Well, it's really quite a burden for me..." he teased and she wacked him on the chest.

"It will get better Lils. It always does."

"Does it?"

"I hope so."

They held eachother in silence for a spell.

"Sorry. It just hits me every now and then."

"Don't apologise. I'm here to listen."

She nodded, then suddenly pulled away to look at his face.

"We haven't said Merry Christmas to each other!" Lily exclaimed.

"Haven't we?"

She shook her head.

"You're a piece of work Evans."

"Merry Christmas James."

"Merry Christmas Lily."

And then they kissed, and the warmth and aching familiarity made everything seem almost normal.

"I should probably get changed out of your mother's pjs," Lily mused after they broke apart.

"I'll admit, it's a bit weird."

"Scoot then!" She felt surprisingly cheery now that he had articulated her feelings.

He pressed a quick kiss to her cheek, and left her to get ready.

It was then that Lily realised that she was meeting James' family for the first time. 'Wonderful timing," Lily thought sardonically.

She looked at herself in the mirror and breathed out a quiet shit. If she ever doubted that James loves her (which she hadn't really) there was no doubt left now, considering he had just kissed her in this state. Her pale skin seemed to have taken on a grey tinge, her eyes were unfocused and rimmed red. She only cared in a vague way; she seemed to have very little motivation or energy the past few days.

Still, she donned a long-sleeved green dress, remarked that paired with her hair she was now practically a walking Christmas decoration, and dabbed on some make up, which seemed to liven her up a bit. At least outwardly.

Not quite knowing what to do with herself now that she was ready, she went to look for the boys. She found them playing some wizard's game in front of the fire in the airy library. Snow was drifting down picturesquely outside of the windows, which Lily thought was wonderful cliché.

"Evans, you can not wear that dress with those eyes and, God, red lipstick, and expect me to act appropriately in front of all of my relatives!" His jaw distinctly slackened.

"You're a man, not an animal James. You'll just have to control yourself," Lily teased and sat down on his lap.

James nuzzled into her neck and breathed in her scent.

"Hmmm. I'll try, but I make no promises." James said as he nipped at her earlobe.

Sirius cleared his throat to remind them of his presence, and make sure they were both looking at him when he rolled his eyes

Lily bit her lip, and James grinned in embarrassment.

"Sorry Sirius."

"Humph," he expelled as he got up from his armchair. He winked at them just before he left the room. Lily wasn't sure whether it was suggestive or just meant to illustrate that he wasn't really offended.

"So your family's coming soon..." Lily stated, her arms around his neck. His hand was stroking her thigh.

"They are."

"I'm gonna meet them all."

"They're gonna love you."

He started playing with her hair, making her sigh.

"James?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm sorry to ask this, but your family, are they - how do they feel about wizards like me?"

"You mean muggle borns?"

She nodded.

"We're not a bunch of blood purists."

"That's good."

"Yeah. We can keep it quiet though, if you want. Some of the older ones… well they're a bit stuck in the old ways. I'm happy either way though."

"Let's just not say anything. It's easier."

"Sounds like a plan."

She kissed his cheek and hopped off his lap.

"I'll just go see if your mum needs any help," Lily explained, she began to strut off, but James grabbed her wrist.

"Lily, she has a whole army of house elves at her disposal; I'm sure she's fine. Besides, this is a library. With books. Hard cover first edition books."

"First editions of- no! James! I want to make a good impression on her. She is your mother, after all."

"Nonsense. Well, I mean she is my mother, that bit's not nonsense, but you'd be doing her a favour by keeping me out of her hair."

He kissed her fingertips.

"I get very annoying when I'm bored you know," he tugged at her hand.

"Oh, I know."

"If you won't stay for the books, then stay for me..."

"I don't know…" She smiled slyly.

He pulled her back into his lap and began kissing her neck again. Lily giggled.

'Okay then," Lily conceded as he continued his ministrations. "You really are a terrible influence on me, James Potter." She had become slightly breathless.

"You love it."

"Maybe," she admitted, twisting to give his lips a peck. "Just for the record, I'm staying for the books."

"Of course you are."

She rolled her eyes, and got up to find a book. They settled onto a red love seat. James read over her shoulder as she used him as a back rest. The fire and faint smell of mulled wine, along with the quiet rustling of the pages and the easy way their presences mingled left them both feeling giddily content.

Soon the book became much less interesting, as their hands began to travel. James' tracing the back of her neck and hers working it's way up his thigh. Eventually they pounced on one another, mouth seeking mouth as their bodies pressed together. Soon, James was half on top of Lily, with her dress riding up and her hands clutching at his hair. Their mouths met and parted in a sorely missed frenzy that spoke of desperation and comfort simultaneously. Lily arched up into him, he snaked his forearm around her waist, she tugged at his bottom lip. They both groaned into their sweet lust-filled oblivion. His hand began to travel downward...

Lily's nose crinkled and James felt tears snaking out of his eyes.

"What the?" he coughed through the smoke filled air.

"James? Is that you darling?"

"Aunt Agatha?"

"Yes! I can't seem to see anything."

"Yeah, well how many times have we told you not to use the library fireplace when you floo in?"

"Well I-"

Lily interrupted her when she choked out a charm which cleared away the smoke.

"James!" the old witch exclaimed. Not seeming to notice that he had a girl pinned underneath him, she rushed forward and grabbed his face, placing sloppy kisses on both cheeks.

"Hello Aunt Agatha," James mumbled, he promptly got off Lily, who hurried to straighten her dress. "Happy Christmas!" he exclaimed, hugging her soft body.

"Oh yes, you too!" She let go of him. "Now, where is your father? I want to see if he still has that horrid moustache!"

"Aunt Agatha, this is Lily," James pointed out and took her hand again.

"Oh! You're the girl! Lovely to have you here love! Happy Christmas!" Agatha moved to embrace Lily as well. Those kisses were quite horrifying, but they made her feel accepted, which was rather nice.

James was grinning from ear to ear as he wiped his aunt's ghastly pink lipstick from his cheeks.

"Let's go find my parents then, shall we?" James suggested. Lily's stomach tightened slightly at the mention of the p word.

They found them in the drawing room, Mr. Potter still reading the paper and Mrs. Potter attempting to get lost in her novel; a task made difficult as she kept thinking of things she might possibly have forgotten.

James cleared his throat and his parents looked up.

"Agatha!" her brother exclaimed, leaping up from his chair. "You're here early!"

"Am I?"

"Not at all dear," Mrs. Potter assured her with a pregnant look at her husband, and kissed her sister in law's cheek. They were both familiar with Agatha's, uh, struggles with punctuality.

"Would you like a drink? We have some of that Eggnogg you love!" Mr. Potter asked Agatha, and she nodded with enthusiastic abandon.

The siblings headed out of the room, and Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes at Lily and James.

"That woman!" Helena exclaimed in exasperation.

"Christmas is never boring with her," James agreed.

"So exasperating relatives are not limited to muggle families?" Lily joked.

"Merlin I wish," Mrs. Potter said as she followed her husband out of the room.

"She doesn't trust the two of them together," James explained.

"I wonder why," Lily laughed.

"Thank god she's the one who found us though! Anyone else and..."

"Your mother wouldn't let us be alone in the same room together until we were thirty?"

"Not without utilising extensive charms to keep us apart."

"Nothing will keep us apart!" Lily declared in jest, clutching a fist to her chest.

"You clearly don't know my mother very well," James. This playful, lighthearted side of Lily warmed his heart.

"You dare doubt?"

James lifted his eyebrow in challenge.

"Well then…" Lily continued and hooked her hands behind James' neck. "I'll just have to convince you."

She pulled his mouth to her red lips in a searing kiss which warmed them much more than the fire.

"All right. I'm convinced," James breathed, resting his forehead against hers.

His family re-entered the room and found the couple still embracing, smiling at eachother like the love-struck dopes they were.

Agatha clapped her hands together in delight, as Mr. Potter grinned and his wife rolled her eyes. Really she loved seeing James so in love, but there was a time and place for such affections.

"James, why don't you go tell Sirius that the guests are arriving?" she suggested-but-really-demanded, and her son rushed off sheepishly.

"I assume James has introduced you to Lily?" Mr. Potter asked.

"Oh yes," the elderly witch assured him, sneaking a wink at Lily, which made her cheeks match her lips.

"How are your plants going Agatha?" Mr. Potter inquired, thankfully breaking the silence.

"Oh wonderfully! You should see my Dittany this year! The climate has been perfect for it!"

"You grow your own Dittany?" Lily squeaked, her love affair with potions getting the better of her. "Do you know how rare that is? I would kill to get my hands on some! Especially now with all the attacks and fights going on. Have you thought about what you're going to do with it? In the right hands it can really help the cause. The healing potions you can make from it! Merlin! Professor Slughorn is always talking about it in class! He says that-"

"Who got Evans talking about potions again?" Sirius interjected as his larger than life presence filled the room. Lily gave him an unamused look. Sirius chose to ignore it, and proceeded to hug the newly arrived witch.

"Hello Aunty Agatha!" he cheered as he hugged her.

"Hello darling! Have a good holiday so far?"

"Oh yes! It's been rather eventful. And you?"

Conversation continued in high spirits as Christmas cheer engulfed them. The rest of James' family began arriving in dribbles throughout the afternoon. Before long the house was flooded with wizards who all bore a resemblance to one another.

Lily made it through Christmas dinner (which was much more like a muggle occasion than she would have expected, apart from slightly different carols and a few hexes being thrown around) just fine. It was afterwards, when the younger children were passed out on the couch clutching their new presents, the adults slightly intoxicated, disagreements beginning to peter out, that it hit Lily like James in their third year, when he lost control of his broom, this was over for her. What was left of her family had decided to leave her, the rest had been forced. She would never have this with her own relatives for Christmas again. She suddenly felt all the Christmas cheer rush out of her.

She slipped out to the balcony, not wanting to dampen the Potters' spirits. The cold air nipped at her. It was a clear night, though snow littered the ground.

It was not one of the Potter's who found her with her elbows resting on the stone railing; it was Sirius.

"You doing alright flower?" he asked, leaning next to her.

"S'pose."

"It's hard seeing family when you've lost yours, eh?"

She stared at him in disbelief. Sirius wasn't exactly known for his sensitivity.

"I'm the same you know. I love James and his parents, they are my family, but then they're still not, you know."

"Yeah. I just keep thinking that I won't ever have it again."

"It's our choicel, I think, in the end."

"How do you figure?"

"Well… I mean, I know it just happened to you and all, but you've got a whole bunch of nice people more than willing to accept you into their family. You can either embrace it wholeheartedly, or always make yourself the outsider."

"Blood is thicker than water and all."

"That is pretty much the exact opposite of what I said."

"No it's not!" Lily promised, cheering up. "The whole saying is 'the blood of the sacrament is thicker than the water of the womb'. So it's saying that the connections we choose to make are more important than those we had no say in."

"Little Miss know it all headgirl. How about the two of us go crash this Potter fest?"

"Let's," Lily grinned, linking her arm through Sirius' and feeling a helluva lot better.

The party flew past after that. It must have been around midnight when Lily passed out on the sofa. James carried her to her bedroom and placed her sleeping form on the bed. Looking down at her, hair splayed out on the pillow, chest rising and falling, James finally understood how Amata must have felt in The Fountain of Fair Fortune. He kissed her goodnight, and went to find where Sirius had passed out. Lugging him up the stairs wasn't nearly as pleasant...


	4. Chapter 4

It was the last Thursday of their winter break. The morning was crisp and clear, the sky blue. Lily opened her eyes to the now familiar view of James' neck. She had woken up in a fit after the Christmas party, able to see nothing but red- gushing, soaking, oozing, flying. There were screams too, but she didn't know whether they were her own, or those of her parents. Perhaps both.

After that she hadn't been able to fall asleep in the strange room all by herself. What if the gore repeated itself? So she crept down the echoing hallway to James' room. His snoring drowned out the screams, his arms blocked out the red. So she returned the next night. And the next, and every night after that.

James was already awake when her eyes blinked open.

"Today's the day." he greeted her in an uncharacteristically somber manner.

LIly stared at him with confused sleepy eyes, and then comprehension dawned in her green orbs; it was the day of the funeral.

Lily buried her head in his shoulder and groaned.

"Come on," James urged her, trying to get up, but she clamped on.

"Nooooo…"

"Lily."  
>"Just let me grumble for a second. I've been dreading this since we decided on the date, and your mother started planning the whole thing. I've been okay the past few days, I've been coping, and this is just like picking the scab."<p>

"Don't you wanna do more than cope though?"

She stared at him, her face bordering between uninterested and angry.

"Funerals are for closure."

She continued to frown at him.

"I still don't want to go," she huffed, throwing off the blankets and swinging her legs off the bed.

Lily was quiet that day, not trusting herself to hold decorum if she opened her mouth. When she arrived at the church, Potters and Black in tow, she began to painstakingly greet people who could only tell her how much she'd grown since the last they'd seen her. This led her to wonder exactly how important her "lovely", "kind", "thoughtful", "wonderful" parents could have been to them, if they hadn't made the effort to see them since she was five.

Then the service started. She cried. How couldn't she? Petunia had elected herself to make the speech from the family. Lily didn't object. She sat on the uncomfortable, yet familiar wooden benches, dabbed at her eyes, clutched James' hand, acknowledged the sympathetic looks from Dorcas and Marlene, and let their words overwhelm her. She couldn't tell if the service felt incredibly short, or torturously long, but it finished eventually.

The church emptied into the inappropriate sunshine, a sea of black in the white light. Lily felt lighter somehow. There was something about crying unapologetically which made it easier to stop.

The somber faces followed two wooden chests to the back of the church. Lily watched as they were lowered into the ground, her face as blank as the sides of a mausoleum. The soft thud of the coffins hitting the bottom of the graves was mimicked by the dirt piled onto them soon afterwards.

There was food - crappy food - and tea and coffee. More kisses on cheeks. More surely heartfelt condolences. And then it was over.

**A/N: Sorry that this one is so short guys! Thanks again for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry for taking so to upload everyone! School's just been hectic, and I had a leetle bit of writer's block. Here's the last chapter though. I've really enjoyed writing this, and just want to say thank you so much for reading! Mwah!**

The end of the holidays came soon afterwards, with hectic last minute packing that was more like shove everything into your trunk and hope to Merlin that it fits.

By some miracle Lily, James _and_ Sirius managed to be ready when the time came to leave; trunks bulging and waiting at the bottom of the staircase.

The trip to the station felt very different without her parents accompanying her. Petunia had stopped coming years ago, but her mum and dad had been a constant presence. Still, when Lily looked at James, Sirius and the elder Potters she couldn't help but feel a warm, comforting sensation in her chest that almost made her feel normal.

Mr. Potter insisted on pushing Lily's trolley. The elderly man had taken to looking at her as the daughter he never had, and secretly couldn't wait for her to officially join the family. He was sure that it would happen one day.

The station was bustling with hordes of oddly dressed people, pushing around heavily loaded trolleys and trying to look inconspicuous. Lily smirked, feeling rather superior with her muggle born knowledge.

"Right," Helena said when their luggage was securely stowed in a compartment. "Have a good term you three! Write to us, all right?" Her usually collected façade cracked for a second, showing how reluctant she was for her nest's inhabitants to leave.

"We will!" James promised, grin in as he leaned in to kiss his mother's cheek. "Love you mum," he murmured in her ear. She patted his cheek, and moved to embrace Sirius next.

"If that brother of yours gives you any more trouble, you let us know all right?"

"Will do. Thanks Helena," Sirius laughed, hugging her tightly.

Lily stood awkwardly to the side, not sure what to do.

"Oh, Lily darling, come here," Helena encouraged her, arms wide.

Lily smiled and rushed forward.

"It's been lovely getting to know you."

"Thank you for everything. I wouldn't have coped without..."

"It was my pleasure."

The boys had moved on to saying good bye Mr. Potter.

"Don't think you're getting away without a proper good bye Missy!" he laughed and pulled her into a hug. "Now you keep these boys out of too much trouble, and come home with them next holidays, alright?"

"I'll try, but I'm making no guarantees!"

"Alright, we've all done this before," Helena cut in, "the time for sentiment is over. On the train you lot." Helena started shoving the boys onto the train carriage, her small frame looking a tad ridiculous against their towering forms.

Lily spotted Marlene and Dorcas a few carriages down. When they saw her they hurried over and enveloped her in sweet smelling hugs. They didn't have to say anything to communicate their support. Lily hugged them back gratefully.

"You doing okay?" Dorcas asked

"Yeah,. Well, I mean, considering."

Just then the train's horn blew.

"Come find us, okay?" Lily asked them.

"Yeah, course!"

"See ya later!" They called as the ran back to their compartment.

Lily joined the boys back on the train. They waved goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Potter and were soon joined by Peter, Remus, Dorcas and Marlene. The compartment was slightly more muted than usual - they all knew about the events that had passed over the break - but when the trolley came round, and the banter began to flow and the world outside faded into darkness Lily felt as though maybe she was finally waking up from the nightmare.


	6. Chapter 6

Would you guys want me to post another chapter? I have an idea for one, but I kind of like the note it ended on? I'm not sure what to do, so ya know, let me know what you want. Thanks very much!

Cara.


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